Where did you get a picture of my penis
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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