his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
