the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
