im having a threesome with these popsicles
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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