I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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