I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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