Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
