I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize