I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
