I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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