Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
That accounts for only three of the penises
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
