Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
