I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize