You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
What a dumb baby whore.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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