You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
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