I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
