I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
