So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
