Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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