You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
