is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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