you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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