I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
