so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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