when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
