FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
