I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
