I just threw up on my dentist
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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