I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
