just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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