I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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