Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
