I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
