The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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