watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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