I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
