I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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