wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
