I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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