i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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