i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
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