I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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