I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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