there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
