the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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