sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
