So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
