i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
