if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
