Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
