Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
