Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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