I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
