Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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