Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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