My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
