he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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