she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
