I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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