he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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