Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
