I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
