its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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