I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I wish they made helmets for livers.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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