no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
