i wish there were pregnant emoticons
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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