I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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