Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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