Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
