Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
