I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
